How Dare you: A letter to my Swiss Transgressors

Dear Switzerland,

I recently visited your country on a trip through central Europe.  I was blown away by the beauty of your mountains and cities…

Especially Davos, where I had decided to stay…

I was so excited to visit you and hit the slopes.  In fact, you were the one thing I could hold above my brother as he spent every weekend snowboarding on his new board last winter.

But my trip has been tainted…and I’d like to tell you how…

Alps: HOW DARE YOU!  Why would you have uphill sections on downhill slopes?  Must you make it difficult for someone who has not learned how to go fast enough to get up these hills so that she is forced to unstrap her board, carry it up the hill, and attempt to fasten it once again, after having reached the top? And HOW DARE YOU be real mountains with real snow, not man made.  Do you know what that makes for?  Patches of snow where your board gets buried up to your knees and you have to dig to get it out.  And HOW DARE YOU not have such things as bunny slopes.  Ever.  I get it, you’re big tall mountains.  Surely somewhere on you there has to be an easy slope for beginners.

Swiss Boarders and Skiers: HOW DARE YOU!  Yes I know I am not as good as you.  Yes I know I could probably use a couple more lessons.  But some of us were not born with a board strapped to our feet.  And only having been two other times makes it difficult to maneuver.  Should you need more clarification, see the letter above to the mountains themselves.

Four year olds: HOW DARE YOU embarrass me by being so much better than I am and then pouring salt on the wound by spraying me with snow as you wiz past.

Red snow pants: how dare you be too big that you 1. Are so incredibly unflattering that you me look like I have a balloon butt, and 2. Allow so much snow in, I wonder why I even bothered wearing long underwear.

Swiss Economy: HOW DARE YOU think that just because you are doing way better than the majority of the world, you can get off by charging the equivalent of $10 for a cup of coffee.  Or $10 for a bottle of water (and not having tap available). But then you only charge $7 for a mug of beer.  You realize that leads to me drinking just because I’m trying to save money? 

Swiss Chocolate: HOW DARE YOU be SOO expensive (see above economy grievances).  You cost more in your native country than you do imported in the states.  Even your bargain chocolate is more than I’d pay.  But more importantly, HOW DARE YOU be so delicious that I have to buy you anyway…

Swiss TV: HOW DARE YOU dub everything you show on TV.  Due to your Arian German, “I Know What You did Last Summer” is no longer scary, Apu is no longer hilariously stereotypical, and no matter how hard you try, Ice Cube is not and will never be ghetto.

Sleds: HOW DARE YOU be so fun that despite the moments of actually thinking I’m going to die, witnessing people crash, and crashing myself, I continue to ride down three miles of track over and over again…

Christmas Vacation: How dare you make this…

Look like a joke.  It is no joke.  When you take some wood, screw some medal on the bottom, it’s true that your only hope of stopping is to crash into someone or something.  When you witness someone break his nose after flying over a hill, there must be some truth to it.

Butt, Shins, Knees, Quads, and Shoulders: HOW DARE YOU hurt so incredibly much. I’m now going to lie in bed all day unable to move thanks to a jacked up knee, sore muscles, and an entire shin that is black and blue.

Alright, despite the above-mentioned complaints, I would like to say that I had an absolute blast visiting you.  And though it will be a while (and a couple thousand dollars later) that we meet again, I look forward to it. I hope you have considered my suggestions, and will make some changes accordingly.  Also, if you’d like to send me some free chocolate as reimbursement, I would not be offended.

Thank you, and sincerely (and sorely) yours,

Libby

Word of the Day: beschwerde - complaint (Swiss German)